One busy night after the kids had gone to bed, I settled into my well-worn spot on the sofa for some mind-numbing television.
"Can you believe this guy?" I asked my husband, seated in his favorite recliner beside me. When no answer was forthcoming, I glanced over to witness an all-too-familiar scene: Deeply imbedded in the recliner's cushions lay my husband of 19 years, sound asleep.
Normally, I would giggle, turn the lights out around him and go to bed – a sort of revenge for being "abandoned" for the umpteenth time. He'd eventually wake up alone in the dark and trudge upstairs to find me tee-heeing under the covers of our bed.
But on this particular night, I gawked at my dreaming husband as if I was seeing this for the first time. Is this the man I married?
Panic gripped my soul as I realized: We've changed. We're tired, boring, predictable. We're doomed.
In the Beginning
One evening in 1992, my husband-to-be and I were at an Italian café in Pittsburgh, sipping wine and falling in love.
"I really want to travel," I said. "Me too," he said. "I want to live near the ocean," he said. "Me too," I said. "I don't care about money, I just want happiness," he said. "Me too!" I said. It was a match made in heaven and our future was destined to be perfect.
But maybe if we'd understood the reality of marriage our conversation would have been different: "I might have a lot of stretch marks," I should've said. "That's okay, we'll just dim the lights," he might've said. "I'm going to go bald, but ironically, hair will sprout out of my ears and nose," he should've said. "I'm good with tweezers," I might've said. "I have no mechanical ability whatsoever, and will feel no embarrassment if my wife handles all the home repairs," he should've said. "I won't have a problem with that for the first ten years or so, but then I'll get really fed up," I really wish I'd said.
But back then, we weren't thinking about annoying habits, taxes and clogged drains. We were too busy planning our perfect life to be bothered with reality.
Our unrealistic expectations persisted after we were engaged. "Oh pardon me!" my fiancé yelped after accidentally belching. Although he insisted he would never expel any kind of gas in front of me, it didn't take long to erode his steely resolve. Today, expelling gas is almost commonplace and happens as soon as the urge beckons. Mid-sentence, under the covers, in the recliner. "Why do you have to burp while I am talking to you?" I've said. "I didn't burp," he's said, sincerely oblivious.
Before marriage, I preened and pampered my fiancé like a primate, manicuring nails and plucking stray hairs to maintain his ruggedly handsome good looks. I thought this giddy nurturing stage would last forever; I had no idea that those stray hairs would later multiply so profusely that our grooming sessions now take place in the garage and involve the leaf blower. The pedicures have become completely intolerable because my husband's left piggie toe now resembles a tiny hoof. One of the kids recently asked him if it was made out of wood. I had to draw the line somewhere.
Are We Doomed?
So what am I saying? Are we doomed because we haven't met our premarital expectations?
That night as I watched my husband dozing, I realized something very important: We did not meet our original expectations, we've exceeded them. Back when we were dreaming of a life of romance uninhibited by responsibility, stress, and aging, we couldn't fully comprehend the complexity and depth of the marital relationship.
What we didn't understand then, is that romance is more than candlelight dinners and adventurous travel. The foundation of long-term romance is really commitment, companionship and comfort.
Realizing this, my initial repulsion at the sight of my sleeping husband turned to adoration. And as I turned the lights out and sneaked upstairs to wait for him to wake up alone in the dark, I felt happy that our marriage is on an unexpected course to paradise.
DrGrace Gniazdowska: Yes, but can ANY MAN be truly satisfied in a boring marriage? There are exceptions, I know, but really.
Isn't this why so many women end up alone in their mid age?
Men are choosing younger women, because they are searching for the excitement and the essence of what they had in their youth, even if it was with their partner.
Did women ever think that men, just maybe, do not want the comfortable and boring?
Why are we surprised all of a sudden, that a man chooses to be with a younger woman?
It may not only be her age and young firm body, but the "something" that takes him back.
This younger girl has the spark, the spirit we used to have, when we were her age.
This may be a good question to ask of our selves.
And also I know for a fact that women never stop wanting romance, no matter what age they are, even if it's only deep down, secretly hovering in the back of their minds. Often only a memory from the very beginnings of the relationship. When her guy used to be her prince charming, who would do anything to make her happy, always taking care of how he looked and smelled before he came to see her.
If we just find ourselves not making the effort to make our relationships fun and interesting, at least sometimes, are we risking the danger of someone else, who knows how to treat our partner and make them feel ALIVE AGAIN, whisking and romancing them away from us?
Is it worth it to wait it out in silence accepting the comfort and boredom, just to find out one or the other has been unhappy for a long time now and get the news one day that they have met someone else? Remember You either the man or the woman, may be comfy and content, but when was the last time you really paid attention to your partner?
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